


You Don't Seem To Know Which Creek You're In

by revenblue



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Gen, Not literally, OWCA-critical, POV Third Person Omniscient, Perry's a little shit, Sorry Not Sorry, Toilet humour, not quite canon-typical toilet humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:54:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27359866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: "Behold!" Heinz Doofenshmirtz announced, once his nemesis was good and trapped. Also Good, as an agent of the O.W.C.A., local Good Guys. "My Shart-inator!"Thankfully, considering the situation, the trap was not a themed one.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	You Don't Seem To Know Which Creek You're In

"Behold!" Heinz Doofenshmirtz announced, once his nemesis was good and trapped. Also Good, as an agent of the O.W.C.A., local Good Guys. "My Shart-inator!"

Thankfully, considering the situation, the trap was not a themed one.

A fact Perry the Platypus barely had time to process before his nemesis was monologuing again. A monologue that began with an explanation of what it did-

"It's in the _name_ , Perry the Platypus."

-went through why he'd made it-

"Did I ever tell you about the time I worked in an office? It was Charlene's idea, when we got engaged, she got me the job. Anywho, they had _daily_ three hour meetings _with no bathroom breaks_! And they call _me_ Evil! I mean, _I_ call me Evil, but it's the principle of the thing!"

-and finished on how it would clearly result in his victory-

"Everyone will be so busy running for the _bathroom_ they won't be able to stop me, giving me full control of the Tri-State Area!"

-as per usual. Their routine was _long_ -practised.

Perry, as always, did not outwardly react to this information, scheme or backstory or otherwise. At this point, not much his nemesis said could faze him. Besides, as an animal he'd never bothered developing the human embarrassment of such bodily functions, as evidenced by his utilisation of his own waste on previous occasions, none of which his nemesis would or could remember. Saved a lot of guilt trips from what he'd had to do to the man's couch.

On the inside, he couldn't help but think of OWCA's three-hour meetings that could have been a single email, but for Major Monogram's apparent love of his own voice rivalling that of Heinz. The difference was that Heinz at least made his monologues interesting. Not that Perry would ever say so, even as a star employee. He valued his meagre pay too much.

A lesser agent may have relieved themself mid-meeting, but Perry had been trained too well.

Externally, all Perry could do in this current moment, faced with an all-too-understandable Evil scheme, was act on the rest of his job's duties. That job included breaking free of the trap and throwing himself, fist-first, at his nemesis. Much more pleasant than a three-hour meeting.

One longer-than-strictly-necessary fight later, the inator fired. At Heinz. Who promptly made a face and excused himself, waddling to the lab bathroom.

Considering the man well and truly thwarted, Perry stared up at the inator instead, a look of contemplation upon his face. Its purpose was for Evil. Therefore, aiming and firing it would be an Evil act, no matter how much a hypothetical target may or may not deserve it. And Perry, as a career Good Guy, was contractually obliged to not be seen to commit Evil acts.

Then again, Heinz had conveniently positioned this inator just out of view of all the security cameras.

When Heinz returned, finally feeling safe enough to leave the bathroom in a fresh pair of trousers, he found the inator destroyed and Perry waiting in a nearby chair, calmly reading a magazine. Too calmly.

"You fired it, didn't you," Heinz muttered, barely even surprised. It was a well-known fact to those that knew Perry the Platypus well, a group that did not contain one Major Monogram, that Perry had long since moved past blind obedience to orders and into creative and convenient interpretations of said orders.

Licking his fingers, Perry turned a page of his magazine. No other reaction.

Heinz sighed. Of course Perry wouldn't admit to it, as a career Good Guy. "Curse you, Perry the Platypus."

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [Sloprano](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQTkAXs--ho) from Conker's Bad Fur Day. Probably the most tasteful line in it, but very much in line with the theme.


End file.
